


the world won't wait for your certainty

by dracometria



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Military Enlistment, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, One-sided pining, Underage Drinking, Unresolved Romantic Tension, disaster gay huening kai, domestic almost-boyfriends, i look up physical touch for love languages and find sookai in the definition, jeju arc, platonic physical intimacy, side beomjun if you squint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29296236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracometria/pseuds/dracometria
Summary: He wasn’t familiar with the stars like Kai was. He knew he was often described as the moon, but Kai was the sun, and Soobin just wanted to be in the same sky.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 23
Kudos: 116
Collections: TOMORROW X TOGETHER BIGBANG: 2020





	the world won't wait for your certainty

**Author's Note:**

> this can be read as a standalone, but there is a pt.2 (soobin's pov + continuation) ! art by cera (0814percent on twitter) is attached at the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> the author's note is a *sigh* wip

Kai realizes at age 13, shortly after he moves from China, that he loves his new neighbor and first Korean friend, Choi Soobin. The boy whose smile is like the gentle, warm rain after a drought.

He realizes again at age 14, when Soobin defends him from a classmate who’d been picking on the way he spoke Korean, his prepositions in the wrong places and stuttering sometimes when he got nervous. Soobin then had still been patient, but the firmness in his tone leaves no room for argument, and his classmate apologizes to Kai in front of the class with an ashen face and a promise to never do it again.

He knows at age 15 that Soobin is his closest person, and that in two short years, Kai is Soobin’s favorite. Soobin never shut up about it after all. It was not something they needed to discuss, it was just mutually understood.

It’s not until middle school is almost over when he starts to question whether his burgeoning feelings could still neatly fit under the umbrella term of love, or at least the love he knows, the love he gives and receives freely from his family and friends. He loves Soobin so _much,_ with what feels like every cell and fiber of his being and then some. Soobin doesn’t just feel like his best friend—Taehyun, impossibly, feels like a best friend more than Soobin does—he feels like something more, like a soulmate, like someone who was placed on Earth for him to find and love wholly. But he’s 16 and he loves all four of his closest friends almost the same, and if Soobin has a bit of a special place in his heart, Kai brushes it off as the mildest form of imprinting; Soobin, after all, is the first-ever friend he made when he moved. That must be why he feels the way he does.

When Kai is 17, Soobin gets his first girlfriend, a pretty third-year named Yewon. It doesn’t bother Kai, or at least not at first, and he’d been right there with Taehyun and Beomgyu and Yeonjun teasing the hell out of Soobin. Soobin still makes time to hangout with them and he never misses their personal tradition of rooftop conversations either, so Kai doesn’t have anything to complain about, even though the prickly sensation in his chest starts around the first time he’d seen Soobin kiss Yewon at the school entrance after classes end for the day. He thinks his cheeks are probably redder than Yewon’s when she sees him, or it feels like it anyway, and he ducks his head and apologizes before running home.

He almost trips when he feels something pull the shoulder strap on his backpack. It ends up being Soobin with his hands on his knees as he pants from exertion, “Why didn’t you wait for me?”

“Seemed like you were busy,” Kai mutters, cheeks still rosy from embarrassment, and Soobin pinches them.

“When have I ever been too busy for you?” Soobin rolls his eyes as he rights himself before throwing an arm around Kai’s shoulder. “Run like that again, and I’m not chasing you next time, brat.”

At the time, Kai had still believed that Soobin would, he _would_ run again and again just to chase Kai, because their bond was unbreakable like that. Because Soobin loved him, and Kai loved him back.

(But when he goes to bed thinking of Soobin and wakes up with him still on his mind, and when that starts to happen more and more often and not just during bedtime, he considers that maybe he needs to reexamine his feelings.)

The relief he feels when Yewon breaks up with Soobin helps clue him in. Yewon has been nothing but kind and good for Soobin, and there is no substantial reason for Kai to feel _relieved._ Soobin is sullen for a few days, and Kai sticks especially close during that period, listening and comforting and accompanying him on one too many late-night outings for ice cream.

“Kai-yah,” Soobin says on their third night at the Baskin-Robbins down the road from their houses, and Kai looks up from his phone, lips parted around a spoonful of mint chocolate ice cream.

“Hmm?”

Soobin gives him a funny look before ruffling his hair. “Let’s not keep any secrets from each other, okay?” Kai’s heart stills before he nods awkwardly—he’s an awful liar, but Soobin thankfully isn’t paying close attention. “League game tonight?”

And that’s how he knows Soobin is okay. “Sure, hyung.”

(He realizes that night when Soobin declares, _“I knew you’d always be there for me,”_ none too subtle with the implications, that he doesn’t really want to see Soobin in another relationship. And that must mean _something._ )

The moment he finally, fully realizes his totally-not-platonic feelings is also probably in his top two _oh, fuck_ moments. It’s during his eighteenth birthday, and not right when the clock strikes midnight and Soobin bursts through his door with the rest of his family, though he wishes it was. At least he wouldn’t have panicked later on.

He somehow remains blissfully unaware as they sleep together that night because they still have class in the morning. Soobin spoons him because he’s used to being the bigger one, even though Kai has basically caught up, not that he’s going to complain about Soobin’s arm slung loosely over his waist, or his face tucked against his neck.

He wakes up to Soobin shaking him gently, toothbrush already in his mouth meaning that he had let him sleep an extra five minutes, and he starts off his morning feeling warm and fuzzy. He brushes aside Soobin’s playful eskimo kiss, spearmint breath cool on his face. He is totally fine with Soobin jokingly carrying him out of bed as he stretches out in an over-dramatic interpretation of a damsel in distress. Soobin helping him with his uniform jacket. His arm around his waist as they walk to school. Their hands knocking together gently when Soobin isn’t busy holding them.

That is all normal.

When the lights cut out during the party the night of his birthday, Kai barely even screams. There are a few giggles from Beomgyu and Yeonjun as they bring out the cake, a vanilla and strawberry affair piled high with fruit and whipped cream, half of which seems to wind up on Kai’s face. He makes the same wish he does every year—that things would always stay like this, that their friendship will last forever. Just Kai and this little circle of happiness. He’s more than content with just his friends by his side.

“Hey.” He blinks out of his thoughts when he sees a shadow looming in front of him. “You’re not going to take it?”

Kai pauses before answering, allowing himself the briefest moment to absorb it all, the comforting smell of candle-smoke, the wide grins of Beomgyu and Taehyun and Yeonjun, the decorations and presents that litter the living room. It shouldn’t matter this much, but the fact that Soobin is here even though Kai knows he has student council obligations, his eyes gentle and soft as he holds a big box wrapped in flimsy brown paper, makes his heart squeeze so very tightly—he doesn’t have a name for that feeling, not now. But it’s _there_ and it feels so real it almost leaves him breathless.

It turns out he’s only destined for a few more moments of obliviousness.

Kai sticks his arms out childishly. He’s done this to Soobin so many times before. “Give it here hyung, what are you waiting for?”

Soobin clicks his tongue as he pulls the box away. “Wait, you’ve still got whipped cream all over your face, you’ll get your present dirty.” As if prepared—who knew, maybe he was—he leans in closer with a towel, but not before leaving a huge dollop of cream on Kai’s nose and the corner of his mouth, the latter being collateral damage after Kai screeches and tries to jerk back.

“Not you too!”

“Nice!” Beomgyu whooped.

“Sorry,” Soobin says unapologetically. He starts to wipe Kai's face with the wet towel. Kai obnoxiously licks at the cream near his mouth, the tip of his tongue just barely catching Soobin’s fingers.

Soobin scrunches his nose. “Really?”

 _“Really?”_ Kai parrots back, and Soobin rolls his eyes, continuing to wipe at his cheeks gently. Kai smiles in content—he likes being taken care of, and he likes being taken care of by Soobin the most.

“I’m not going to say anything because it’s your birthday,” Soobin says, cheeks dimpling as his mouth thins out in a line, but Kai can see the mirth that hides behind his poor impression of a frown. It goes without saying that Kai had exploited Soobin’s temporary kindness the entire day, and if he ends up on Soobin’s back too often, his face nestled against his neck as the older carried him around, then he would find out later that he was only being cruel to himself.

Kai scoops some of the cream off his cheek and tries to tag Soobin with it, but he dodges. “Stay still hyung,” Kai says with a laugh as he wraps his other hand around Soobin’s wrist in an attempt to stop him from moving away. “It’s my birthday, right?”

“Don’t you dare,” Soobin said, but it’s a weak threat. Kai decides to take his chances and lunges out of his chair to hopefully catch him off guard, but what happens instead is he clumsily steps on one of the rolling chair’s legs.

“Kai-yah—” Beomgyu starts, but it’s already too late, Kai has already tripped forward, taking Soobin down with him. Well, at least he technically succeeded in surprising him.

In that moment, Kai’s smile fades when he realizes two things.

One. Soobin braced his fall so Kai hardly felt anything. Still, Kai’s heart pounds, and he isn’t sure if it’s from being abruptly reoriented or because of the way every part of his body is pressed close against Soobin’s.

Two. Their faces are so close together that all Kai has to do is let himself klutz out and they would kiss. Does Kai want to kiss Soobin? His eyes flicker to Soobin’s lips. They’re soft and pink and heart-shaped and Kai wants. He _wants_ to kiss him.

_Fuck._

“Are you okay?” Soobin asks worriedly as he rubs Kai’s arm. “Are you hurt?”

 _Am I okay?_ Kai repeats in his head hysterically, but he manages to smile and respond without saying something incriminating like _Hey, I just realized I really want to kiss you, so since I’m the birthday boy, you would do that for me, right?_

“I’m fine. What about you?”

Soobin shrugged. Kai grabs onto his shoulders a little harder.

“Nothing hurts.”

“Good,” Kai said, and it must come out a little shaky because Soobin looks concerned. Well, he can’t have that. He leans down and presses his cheek against Soobin’s, vigorously rubbing the whipped cream all over Soobin too.

“Are you serious?” Soobin groans as he accepts his fate. There is nowhere to go after all, not pinned to the ground like that.

“Disgusting,” Taehyun says with a prim sniff.

“Honestly,” Beomgyu agrees.

“Cute,” Yeonjun coos, “I’m coming in too!”

The five of them end up in a dogpile on the floor. Kai is squished between Soobin and Yeonjun and he doesn’t have time to panic until after the festivities are over and he’s already in bed curled against Soobin. The other three are in makeshift beds on the floor, their breaths even with sleep.

His chest is heavy with the crushing weight of his earlier epiphany. He loves Soobin. And not in just a brotherly way, not in just a best friend way, not in just a you’re-probably-the-most-important-person-in-my-life kind of way either. Because earlier he wanted to kiss Soobin, and living with two sisters means he’d grown up with chick flicks and emotional intelligence and impossible standards.

Kai rolls that thought over in his head for a little bit. He loves Soobin. Their faces are turned towards each other, and Kai steals another look at his lips.

He still wants to kiss him. It hadn’t been just the heat of the moment that made Kai curious.

Then Soobin opens his eyes and gives Kai the fright of his life. He’s lucky his resulting shriek didn’t wake up the others. Soobin shushes him unnecessarily with a warm hand over his mouth, and even though Kai is still shocked, his self-preservation instincts kick in and he petulantly licks Soobin’s hand. He smiles smugly when Soobin hastily withdraws, though not before flicking his forehead.

“You deserved it,” Kai whispered, adding a wink for good measure.

Soobin makes that half-pout that always makes his lips look even more like a rabbit’s. “Why are you still awake?” he whispers back.

Kai is terrible at lying and even worse at lying to Soobin, so the best option has always been half-truths, which are different enough from half-lies so he doesn’t feel too bad. Leaving things out only means that he’s hiding secrets. And hiding secrets is not lying, not exactly.

“I was thinking.” Thinking of everything. Thinking of nothing. Thinking of Soobin and when exactly he fell in love, though he hasn’t thought long enough to come to a conclusion yet.

“Oh no,” Soobin coos, pressing their foreheads together. Kai fights the blush off his cheeks even though he’s sure the nightlight wouldn’t have been able to catch it anyway.

“I’m really lucky,” Kai murmur, “I think meeting everyone was destiny.”

“You sound like Yeonjun-hyung,” Soobin teases, his breath warm and ticklish against Kai’s face. “If you think that’s destiny, then you moving next door to me was fate.”

Kai bites his lip to hold back a giggle.”Aren’t they the same thing?”

Soobin makes a soft noise under his breath before pressing his thumb against Kai’s lower lip, and his heart may have stuttered to a stop right then and there. Kai doesn’t resist as Soobin tugs his lip from his teeth, too dizzy from sudden want, the closeness and intimacy and—the touching, always the touching, and Kai suddenly understands that maybe starting from this exact moment, he was going to have a hell of a time with these roller-coaster feelings of his.

Soobin continues as if he didn’t just set a jar of butterflies loose in Kai’s chest, the pad of his thumb still pressing distractingly against his lip, the rest of his hand cradling Kai’s cheek.

And Kai wishes he never realized anything at all, because how could this be harmless when it makes him ache for so much more, so much that was out of reach. Somehow it hurts more knowing that Soobin doesn’t mean anything by the gesture, that he’s only worried about Kai’s lip-biting habit he’d scolded him for years now. Kai is the reason why Soobin always kept a chapstick or two on his person, even though Kai never really thought it’d been that serious. His habit was worse when he was younger because he’d been so shy and nervous around new people, but he’d mostly grown out of it now, yet Soobin always has the same look in his eyes whenever he sees Kai do it.

Kai thinks these habits are worse. The press of noses together, and the fact that Soobin continues even after he learns the term for them is a form of a kiss. How easily they cradle each other’s faces, how quick they are to lean their foreheads close. The hand-holding, waist-grabbing, and plethora of other displays of physical and often public affection that had developed all for Kai’s comfort when they were younger, because nothing made him feel more grounded and cherished than when he was held with care, and that hardly changed as he aged.

All those habits are coming back to bite him in the ass now, because Kai can’t read deeply into any of Soobin’s easy touches, practiced until they became second nature.

“Fate,” Soobin finally starts, and Kai is pulled out of the whirlpool of his thoughts, because of course Soobin has to save him when he was figuratively drowning too, “is something that you can’t change.” Soobin tucks a lock of hair behind Kai’s ear, absentmindedly combing through his hair with his fingers after. “You couldn’t change the fact that you were forced to move to Korea, and I couldn’t change which house I’ve lived in all my life. So Fate brought you to me.”

Kai sees the genuinity in Soobin’s gaze and his heart aches with the unfairness of it all.

“Then destiny is something you can change?”

“Supposedly,” Soobin says. “If you have the willpower and make the effort.”

“You take one philosophy class and suddenly you’re talking all fancy,” Kai grumbles. Soobin drops his hand from his cheek, and Kai misses the warmth immediately, even though Soobin’s pinky finger immediately finds his under the covers.

“I didn’t even quote Plato or Aristotle,” Soobin argues without any heat, “you can find what I said on the internet.”

“Mhm.” Kai pretends to be disinterested as he props his chin against Soobin’s shoulder. His blinks are starting to get longer and fewer in between.

“That’s why you have to promise to stay forever with me,” Soobin says, because even though he isn’t often the sentimental sort, when he gets in the mood, he’s like a train with no brakes—and Kai can only brace for collision. “And everybody else.” It’s almost an afterthought. Soobin’s pinky finger crooks around Kai’s. “That’s our destiny.”

“So clingy,” Kai complains, but he locks their pinkies together anyway, the following thumb stamp inevitable.

Perhaps Soobin sees how Kai’s eyes are finally starting to lid with exhaustion, because there is a kiss against his forehead and then Kai is tucked underneath Soobin’s chin, his head buried comfortably against his chest. Kai tiredly follows Soobin’s steady heartbeat into unconsciousness, wanting nothing more than to stop thinking, to stop yearning for things that are not his, to stop the swell of love from overtaking him.

After that, life goes on. The world may look a little brighter and the Earth may now spin a degree off from the axis Kai is used to, but like Kai is wont to do, he stuffs his emotions in a bottle labeled ‘do not touch’ in bold and capital letters. And with multiple hazard stickers decorating the entire thing. It is something to be figured out later, until the next catastrophe comes along much quicker than anticipated and Soobin announces his plan to enlist for mandatory service with Yeonjun after graduation. It’s not as if Kai didn’t see it coming, but it hadn’t been real, the idea of Soobin leaving to be completely unreachable for months on end hadn’t been real until it comes out of Soobin’s mouth in a statement that’s meant to be casual but still leaves a dead silence in the middle of their lunch.

Kai swallows the lump of rice before he can choke on it. Beomgyu doesn’t quite succeed, and Kai has to reach over to thump him on the back. Beomgyu grabs Kai’s grape juice, his eyes watering when he says, “Kai-yah, you idiot, that doesn’t actually help.”

“Hey, I have Heimlich training if you were really choking,” Kai protests.

“We all had Heimlich training,” Taehyun says, but he sounds subdued.

Logically, Kai knows Soobin considered the benefits of enlisting before college rather than during or after and must have made his choice based on that. But Yeonjun…

It’s Taehyun who speaks for them. “Hyung, weren’t you going to accept an offer from that dance studio?”

“I spoke with them before deciding to enlist,” Yeonjun explains, picking at his food in a way that’s uncharacteristic of him. “They said they weren’t sure if they could keep a position open for me.”

“Then why—”

Yeonjun lifts a finger to interrupt Beomgyu, a fond smile playing on his lips. “Let me finish.” Even though Kai is focused on Yeonjun, the hyung he is the most similar to in so many ways, his hand subconsciously reaches out for Soobin instead. It’s telling that even in a situation where Soobin is the one who is supposed to be comforted, it’s Kai who feels that way instead when the older laces their fingers together and brushes a thumb over his own. Kai is selfish, has never really worked hard at being selfless either, so he scoots closer to Soobin. He doesn’t make a sound when Soobin easily pulls him into his lap because he’s trying his best to give Yeonjun the attention he deserves, doesn’t make a sound when Soobin moves their intertwined hands to the front of Kai’s stomach, the bracket of his arms and legs and chest securing Kai, who feels like he’s about to float away with the promised departure of two of his anchors.

“I got a few more offers,” Yeonjun says, pride coloring his voice. “I signed a contract with a company who said they would take me after two years. Said they preferred it that way actually, since I wouldn’t be interrupting my career.”

“Which company?” Beomgyu asks curiously.

Yeonjun winks. “Can’t say, I’m under an NDA.”

“Must be big then,” Taehyun rationalizes, nodding his head in relief that’s mirrored in all of their faces. “I’m happy for you, Yeonjun-hyung.”

Kai starts the fake waterworks. “I already miss you, Yeonjunie, wah...”

“Brat,” Yeonjun says, too endeared to punish Kai for taking advantage of the situation to drop honorifics. “You’ll miss Soobinie more.”

Kai starts to pretend-wail louder. Or maybe some of it is real, he can’t really tell. Soobin shakes with laughter and tries to muffle his mouth, but then Taehyun and Beomgyu pretend to cry too, and when the three of them actually join forces for once they’re impossible to stop.

Humor is easier to reach for right now, the grace to accept the circumstances would come later. Or at least Kai hoped it would.

Later that night on Kai’s rooftop swaddled in blankets, Soobin tells him even though Yeonjun got lucky with his contract, a part of his reason for joining early was so that Soobin didn’t have to go alone, and Kai wishes he had the ability to help Soobin in that way too. He might have said that out loud, because Soobin looks at him disapprovingly.

“Don’t think that way,” Soobin murmurs, lips too close to his cheek, always too close without the promise of a follow-through. “My brother said the army was a crock of shit, and that he didn’t learn much other than how to make his bed in under five seconds and how to obey orders from a superior no matter how stupid they were. He hated that, but it fixed his temper a bit.” Soobin’s mouth quirks with his next sentence. “Said the only thing the army gave him worth keeping was a nice body.”

Kai blushes a little, and Soobin must have noticed because he pats Kai’s stomach underneath the blankets. “Cute,” he coos, but then his voice softens. “I’m glad you don’t have to go, Kai-yah. I thought about it a lot. Don’t let other people bully you about it, okay?” Soobin squeezes his hand and squishes his cheek against Kai’s. “I’m so relieved you don’t have to. I won’t have to see you leave.”

There is an uncomfortable lump that sticks in Kai’s throat. Soobin had always been there to stop him from getting bullied. He’s built his self-esteem up now, but enlistment has always been a sensitive topic, and he doesn’t know if he’ll let himself get pushed around or not when Soobin isn’t there to prevent that from happening.

Soobin senses Kai’s reluctance to speak. Tonight is missing Kai’s usual endless chatter, so Soobin steps up to the plate and changes the topic to the stars, speaks about seeing the different constellations in the sky even though Kai knows it’s bullshit because Soobin doesn’t even know the difference between the Big Dipper and Ursa Major. It’s also too cold to actually trace their positions with their fingers, so their hands remain clasped together in the cozy warmth underneath the blanket, although if given the chance Kai is sure Soobin would have just pointed to some random stars and boldly lie his way through a conversation, and Kai would have let him, despite both of them knowing it’s all an act.

Kai works up the courage to kiss Soobin on the nose, making a show out of obnoxiously puckering his lips. Soobin’s nose scrunches and he looks completely endeared, but he doesn’t notice any of the hidden longing behind Kai’s kisses, he never does. Kai doesn’t know if it’s a job well done on his part, or if it’s another nail in the coffin.

It’s cold enough to see their breaths puff out into the air. Kai doesn’t feel the chill, but Soobin will soon.

“Let’s go inside, hyung.”

Soobin chuckles in understanding. “It’s cute when you look out for me.”

“I should do it while I can,” Kai blurts out, surprising himself. Soobin pauses before nudging their cold noses together, eyes curved in crescents from a fond smile.

“I won’t be gone, silly. We get our phones back after basic. I’ll probably even be able to see you guys when I have free time.”

“Still,” Kai mutters. “I’ll miss you.”

Soobin softens, and silence hangs between them, not uncomfortable. “Of course,” he says finally. “I’ll miss you too.”

Jeju is the beginning of an end.

Kai spends the hour-long flight with his eyes closed and his hand wrapped tightly with Soobin’s. Even now, he still hasn’t grown comfortable with airplanes and their potential to plummet miles and miles down from the sky.

“At least you can swim,” Soobin had said once, “I heard they try to land in water. If that happens, I’m totally screwed.” Unsurprisingly, that doesn’t make him feel all that better.

There’s a Troye Sivan song playing in their shared earphones. He wants to look out the window, thinks the endless blue will match the atmosphere of the song, but his stomach flips queasily at the thought. Not this time either, then.

_swore i’d never lose control, then i fell in love with a heart that beats so slow_

Kai develops a laser focus for the way Soobin folds and unfolds their hands together whenever he needs a quick break, for the way his thumb caresses over his, for the way his head brushes against Kai’s until he eventually lolls against his shoulder, fast asleep. He smells like the lavender shampoo and body oil set Kai bought him for his birthday last year. He idly wonders if he’s run out yet and whether or not he should buy him another set when he hears the sound of a camera going off and Beomgyu’s immediate giggle after. It only takes a moment of pondering to dismiss opening his eyes and demanding for the photo to be deleted—in fact, if he can figure out a way to ask for it later without raising any suspicions, he will. He wonders if their intertwined fingers made it into the photo, before reminding himself it didn’t matter. There are already an odd dozen photos out there with them holding hands, and that’s _after_ middle school.

He manages to drift in and out of consciousness for the rest of his flight, never fully falling asleep. It’s with a breath of relief when he wakes up to the pilot announcing their descent back onto land and the seatbelt lights flashing. Neither of them have taken off their seatbelts anyway—Kai because he feels better with something securing him, and Soobin because he fell asleep before he could.

“Hyung,” Kai says, softly shaking Soobin’s shoulders. He’s a deeper sleeper than Kai is. “Soobin-hyung, we’re almost there.”

“Five more minutes,” Soobin mumbles, clutching Kai’s arm with his other hand. He buries closer, chin on Kai’s shoulder and lips mere centimeters away from his neck. Kai wishes he didn’t notice, but he does, he notices everything now.

“I’ll go without you,” he threatens halfheartedly as he leans over so _so_ carefully to avoid Soobin nodding closer into him, stretching slightly to press his fingers against the window shade.

There really is no rush to do it now. They still have the flight home. Still, he steels himself before lifting the shade, revealing a peek of blue and white. A wave of nausea prevents him from lifting it any further, and he’s trying to blink away the dull ringing in his ears when he feels a hand wrap around his wrist, steadying him. He hadn’t noticed he was trembling.

“Ning,” Soobin calls, voice low and soothing and managing to ground him even thousands of miles up in the sky like this, suspended in a giant, metal death trap. It’s a nickname that hasn’t been used much since they were young, but Soobin always pulls it out whenever Kai is in distress. Maybe he’s conditioned to feel better whenever he hears it now.

Kai has to wait a few moments before he’s certain his voice won’t shake. “Yeah?” The shade falls back down as he withdraws, and regrettably, Soobin lets go.

“There’s no way you would go without me, my gum,” Soobins says, and it takes a few seconds for Kai to process what he’s saying. He turns towards him, letting his lips form a pout like they’re prone to do around Soobin.

“Would too,” Kai mumbles as he finger-combs the side of Soobin’s hair that’s looking a little worse for wear due to sleeping on his shoulder.

Soobin squeezes their hands, voice soft again when he speaks. “Do you want to try again on the way back? I’ll stay awake with you.”

 _I love him,_ Kai thinks, because it’s like ever since the first realization, his brain has been in overdrive trying to remind him that he’s head over heels.

“Maybe,” Kai answers tentatively as he tries to visualize a wall in his mind, even though Soobin can’t actually read his mind (though it sure as hell feels like he can). “Maybe yes.”

“You can hang on to me and cry ‘Soobin-oppa’ if you’re scared,” Soobin teases, then proceeds to do a poor imitation of cowering in fear. Kai scowls and hits him on the arm, and then there’s no more time for teasing because the plane jostles a little when it touches down and Kai braces himself flat against the seat, and Soobin’s hand tightens around his.

As soon as the flight attendant announces it’s safe to get out of their seats, Kai scrambles out of his even though his legs feel like they’ve effectively liquidized. He thought he’d gotten out of his seat quicker than anyone else, but there’s already an arm supporting his waist as he shakily steps out into the aisle. Soon after, he can feel the press of Soobin against his back as well.

“Do you want me to carry this, princess?” Soobin teases as he dangles Kai’s luggage in front of him, his warm breath much too close to his ear for him not to visibly stiffen.

Kai quickly snatches his suitcase out of Soobin’s outstretched hand. “We’ll see who’s the princess later,” he mumbles as a thinly veiled threat, though it’s obvious Soobin doesn’t take him seriously because he laughs, a full body endeavor that Kai can _feel._ He’s close, much closer than he has to be—arm still around him because he knows Kai has never fared well during flights. The way Soobin cares for him—the immeasurable amount he cares for him—it had been better when Kai had taken it for granted, it had been better when it was labeled as ‘habit’, it had been better when it had been solely a muted backdrop and not capable of crowding up so much of his attention like this.

Soobin’s arm is firm around him. Kai can barely breathe.

God, he’s pathetic.

He squeaks when Soobin squeezes him. “Are you going to start walking or?”

Kai turns around to shoot him a glare, immediately regretting it when he finds that it puts him mere inches away from Soobin’s face and his mouth that looks especially kissable when he’s smirking like that.

Kai feels his cheeks get hot and his glare has probably melted into something that looked closer to lovesickness. He cuts his losses and tries to walk away with the rest of his dignity intact, but Soobin’s hand is still on his waist and Kai has to exercise utmost control to stop himself from feverishly spiraling again, because he can feel each individual point Soobin holds him by, wants to see the fingers splayed across his sweater. He’s never had a thing for hands, so why is he so obsessed now? He has to think about other things, before he does something stupid—

Like grabbing Soobin’s hand with his own, not noticing that the flight attendant is right in front of him. Her eyes widen before she smiles at him knowingly. Kai feels like an imposter, but Soobin doesn’t seem to notice as he continues to usher him down the aisle.

Kai’s head feels like it’s full of cotton, dizzy with the implications. How much can he get away with under the pretense of friendship? How many touches can he disguise as normal affection?

He immediately feels sickened by his thoughts, wants Soobin to let go so he can feel better about himself, wants to curl up in a corner for having gotten to a point where he’s thought about taking advantage of Soobin’s kindness.

Then Soobin rubs his thumb over his waist and says, “Thank you for taking the plane with us, Hyuka,” and his thoughts get fuzzy again because he’s weak.

“Ah, there’s the lovely couple,” Beomgyu says as he rounds the corner with Yeonjun and Taehyun, and Kai keeps his face carefully neutral, knowing that Soobin’s is either amused or nonchalant from experience. He was like that before, too.

“Let’s go!” Yeonjun says briskly, “we have to catch a taxi in the next thirty minutes if we want to remain on schedule.”

“The chance of things going according to plan is low,” Taehyun says with a dry smile, but he follows Yeonjun. Beomgyu isn’t far behind, which leaves Kai and Soobin as the two stragglers, as usual.

“Let’s take our time,” Soobin says sagely. “It’s not like they can leave us behind.” Kai hums before squirming out of Soobin’s grip and taking the out while he can.

“But we can leave _you_ behind, Soobinie-hyung,” Kai says with a giggle as he drops his suitcase and extends the handle so he can wheel it for a quick getaway. Soobin makes a dramatic sound of betrayal, but he doesn’t give chase—that’s Soobin, always going at his own pace. “Come on, little turtle!” Kai tosses behind him.

“No way~”

Beomgyu cocks an eyebrow when Kai catches up to them. “You left Soobin behind?”

“Didn’t I say things never go to plan?” Taehyun jokes, fist bumping with Beomgyu when Yeonjun looks at them crossly.

“I just want to make sure we get the most out of our time here,” he says with a small pout, though he does a double take in surprise. “Where’s Soobinie?”

“Coming,” Kai says. Yeonjun looks at him like he’s able to see right through him, but thankfully he doesn’t pursue anything. Kai can probably expect a one on one conversation in the near future, and he sighs internally.

They end up waiting ten minutes outside for the taxi. Jeju’s winter is warmer than Seoul, but Soobin has always been one to get cold easily, so it’s not long before Kai is back by his side, extending the length of his padded coat jacket around Soobin. Beomgyu takes one look at them and snorts.

They make it to the house on time.

The house itself is beautiful, bright, and pristine without feeling impersonal. It looks a lot like Beomgyu’s with its painted white walls and minimalistic decor, which is probably not a coincidence considering it’s through Beomgyu’s family connections that they’re able to stay at one of their vacation homes for free. There’s not a bed big enough to fit all five of them comfortably, so instead of rooming together like Kai initially championed for, they split off in two groups instead. Soobin and Kai take one room, and Yeonjun, Beomgyu, and Taehyun take the room across the hall.

“God forbid you two get separated at any point,” Taehyun had joked in the car on the way there, “you two can’t live without each other.”

And just like that, Soobin and Yeonjun’s enlistment immediately comes to the forefront of everyone’s minds before Yeonjun hurriedly redirects the conversation. Taehyun had looked so stricken that Kai has no doubt they’ll be talking about the older two’s enlistment at some time during the trip. Soobin’s hand had cupped his elbow the whole ride even as they discussed the number of holes a straw had (one) before dissolving into even more trivial arguments.

Soobin’s hand is on his elbow again as they plaster themselves against the glass balcony door.

“Oh my god, it’s your family,” Kai giggles as he points to the line of giant rabbit statues outside the house. “You’re the biggest blue one.”

“You’re the white one that’s sitting in time-out,” Soobin returns, and Kai squawks at the unfairness of it all.

“I’m obviously the orange one,” he protests.

“No, that one’s Beomgyu,” Soobin says, “we’re too like each other to be blue-orange.”

Kai nods. “That’s true.” Except it’s not. Soobin is perfect, and Kai falls plenty short. “We should unpack before Yeonjun-hyung chews our heads off.” Soobin scrunches his nose at the visual, but they peel away from the balcony door and start setting up—toiletries first, the clothes can wait until later. When Kai enters the bathroom to drop off his things, he’s unsurprised to find it already stocked, knowing Beomgyu’s family. Even if they came with nothing, they would have been fine. Kai says as much to Soobin when he comes in.

Soobin hums in approval when he scans the neatly categorized bottles in the cabinet. “They look expensive,” he says thoughtfully. “Kind of want to try one.”

“Me too,” Kai echos. He wants to see what the hype behind conditioner is. He’s never used it before, and now he sees at least three different kinds on the shelf. He reaches for one of the green bottles. “Hyung, I recommend this.”

Soobin takes the bottle from him, rolling his eyes when he reads the label. “Very funny. You know I don’t think mint is actually bad, right?”

Kai sticks out his tongue. “I know your taste buds are messed up.”

“You are in the minority here,” Soobin says, cuffing Kai lightly over the head. “It’s funny how that’s one of the only things you agree with Yeonjun on.”

“When I find another person who likes mint chocolate and can be friends with us, I won’t need you anymore,” Kai says mock-seriously even as he’s practically draped across Soobin’s shoulder. “That’s going to be my new best friend.”

Soobin turns his head, leans in close. Their noses brush together and Kai’s heart skips a beat. “Yeonjunie is right there,” Soobin says, eyes crinkling when he smiles.

“It’s never been the same since I walked in on him crying to _The Notebook,_ ” Kai says, heaving an internal sigh of relief when Soobin steps back to put up the rest of his toiletries.

“Not all of us are the strong, silent type,” Soobin says before cracking up at his own joke.

“Very funny, hyung.”

Soobin slows down with folding his towel. “You used to cry all the time when we were younger, though.” He sounds wistful. “I always felt awful when I couldn’t be there for you.” He pauses with the towel as he seems to realize something. “Are you going to cry when I leave, Ning?”

“Do you want me to?” Kai tries to joke, but his voice falls a little flat.

Soobin grimaces as he folds the towel over one last time before putting it up in the cabinet. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up again.” In contrast to the sheer brightness of the rest of the house, the bathroom and room lights are a cozy yellow. The same yellow makes Soobin look a little more tired, a little more worn. A little more human. So Kai dares to reach out, though his hand falls from its initial target of Soobin’s cheek to his shoulder.

“I don’t know,” he says honestly. He hasn’t cried since middle school. It’s almost like he’s unable to, after he started locking away that part of himself he considered as a weakness. Always making Soobin worry for him. Always making his parents worry. Always losing control. “If I could, maybe…”

“Don’t,” Soobin says, and he sounds vulnerable now, raw. His eyes already look a shade wet. Kai thinks they’re blue-orange in this aspect at least. Soobin shows so much, and Kai, so little. “Can I be selfish, and ask you not to? If that’s the last thing I see before leaving, I’ll never be able to stop thinking about you.”

Kai’s mouth dries, dozens of inappropriate responses on the tip of his tongue, _I don’t want you to stop thinking about me_ the loudest of them all. He wonders if Soobin will have the same conversation with everyone else, begging them not to cry even though he has never been the type to be emotionally fragile. He has always been Kai’s anchor, his lighthouse in a storm.

He settles on, “I’ll try, Soobin-hyung,” and Soobin gathers him up in his arms, holds him like something precious, envelops him with an irreplaceable warmth, and Kai breathes him in like his life depends on it.

Three months have never felt shorter.

It’s raining, which hadn’t been a part of their plans. Yeonjun jokingly claims Taehyun had jinxed the whole trip. Still, the ATV road course staff graciously give them ponchos before they start.

Kai tries to keep a wide berth from Soobin who has given him plenty of rides over the years and subsequently plenty of time to get well-acquainted with the grab handle. Soobin calls it the bitch bar, but Kai values his life and safety over Soobin’s opinion of an obviously necessary fixture when one gets into a car with him. The words Kai hates to hear the most from Soobin when they’re in a car together is “hey Kai-yah, watch this,” or “this will be fun.” It is never fun.

Taehyun gets the short end of the stick this time, complaining at the end that Soobin never stopped running into the back of his ATV. Beomgyu unsurprisingly finishes first, Yeonjun second, and Kai a respectable third. Soobin manages to overtake Taehyun in the last stretch, so it falls to Taehyun to pay for their first batch of tangerines while Yeonjun and Beomgyu ride the course again, Yeonjun particularly enthusiastic to beat Beomgyu the second time around.

“They all look the same to me,” Taehyun says when they arrive at the tangerine market. Luckily, they’re allowed to taste test.

Kai pops the sample into his mouth. It’s on the sweeter end. “Isn’t this _geumgyul?_ ”

“No,” the shop owner replies immediately, and Soobin laughs and repeats his fumble back to him. Taehyun sighs.

“Childish.” Taehyun scrunches his brows in concentration. “ _Hallabong,_ maybe.”

As the two ponder over the different samples, Kai asks the shop owner for _cheonhyehyang._ Ever since they finalized their trip to Jeju, Soobin had been looking forward to trying the local-grown tangerines. Unexpectedly, the shop owner apologizes.

“Sorry, we don’t have them. They’re out of season.”

Soobin’s face falls. Kai gently holds his elbow as Soobin asks for _hallabongs_ to be wrapped up instead, nudging Taehyun in the side.

“Hyun-ah, this is totally your fault.”

Taehyun nods solemnly. “I accept the blame.”

“At least it stopped raining,” Kai says as they step out, and of course as soon as he does, he feels a raindrop.

“Kai-yah!” Soobin and Taehyun chorus in indignation.

“I’m sorry,” Kai squeaks. “I didn’t know things could get—” Soobin’s hand flies to cover his mouth.

“Not another word out of you. Don’t you know of Murphy’s Law?”

 _“Don’t you know of Murphy’s Law?”_ Kai parrots back, still muffled by Soobin’s hand. He earns a cheek squish for that one.

“Incorrigible.”

“I love it when you use big words on me, Soobin-oppa.”

“Please stop flirting,” Taehyun deadpans as he reaches for one of the tangerines. “They said to meet them at Aewol, right?”

“Yup. I already ordered the taxi,” Kai says, handing a _hallabong_ to Soobin. Kai’s already done with peeling when he notices Soobin about to bite into his, skin and all. “Ew hyung, that’s so gross. Here, just take this one.”

“I just clipped my nails yesterday,” Soobin grumbles before trading Kai his tangerine. “Thank you Hyuka,” he coos, blowing him an air kiss. Taehyun pretends to bat it out of the air. Kai shakes his head and smiles fondly. Only his friends can make a rainy day seem so bright.

Yeonjun and Beomgyu are already waiting for them when they arrive in Aewol. They make their way through the quaint boutiques, Taehyun and Kai especially delighting in the cats that littered the streets and the outsides of stores.

“That one looks like Hobakie when he was a kitten,” Taehyun says as he squats next to Kai, obviously fond.

Kai loves cats so much. He wants to reach out and pet it so badly, but Taehyun had already warned against it earlier since the kitten didn’t have its mother around. “It has stripes like Hobak,” he coos, settling his chin in between his hands. “Ugh, it’s so cute…”

“Not as cute as you,” Soobin says jokingly right in his ear, following up with a chin tickle. Kai almost loses balance and grabs onto Soobin’s sleeve before he topples over.

“What’s gotten into you?” Kai says quickly after he recovers, swallowing when he sees Taehyun’s perceptive gaze. “Are you trying to butter me up for something?”

Soobin smiles affectionately and ruffles his hair before straightening up. “C’mon, let’s go inside. It’s starting to rain.”

It’s cozy inside and smells like floral candle-smoke. Kai shops like he always does—aimlessly wandering around until something catches his eye. It doesn’t seem that he’s the only one pulled in by perfumes and fragrances, since Yeonjun is there with Beomgyu, using his back as some sort of scent palette board.

“Choose between these,” Yeonjun says, holding up the two he settles on.

“This one,” Beomgyu says unsurprisingly, pointing to the box with clusters of blue and purple petals. “I like hydrangea better.” Beomgyu has always liked floral scents.

Kai picks up the first test bottle he sees and sprays it on his sleeve curiously. Unlike the other two, he’s never really been one to wear fragrances, though he likes the way they smell, whether it’s Beomgyu’s sweet lavender or Yeonjun’s minty sage and sea salt. Taehyun occasionally wears a strawberry-apple scent, while Soobin, like him, doesn’t wear anything.

The perfume smells nice enough that he chances a second spray at the risk of smelling like it the entire day. It’s a citrus scent, not unlike the tangerines and _hallabongs_ they had earlier, mixed with hints of lemon and honey. It’s sweeter than he expects.

“What’s that?” Soobin peers over Kai’s shoulder before lifting his arm to sniff. “Oh, that smells good. It fits you.”

Kai sets the tester bottle back onto the shelf with his free hand, now that their arms are linked together. “I just wanted to try it.”

Soobin looks at him. Kai looks away, pretending to look at another perfume sample.

“Do you want to see what Taehyunie found first, then come back here?”

Kai nods. “Sure. I’m done looking, anyway.”

Soobin hums as he tugs Kai away by the arm. “Okay.” There’s a note of consideration in his voice, and Kai wonders what Soobin is thinking about until Taehyun pulls out what looks like the cutest umbrella he’s ever seen. Kai and Soobin move seamlessly, they have for a long time—Kai untucks his arm to reach out for the tangerine-shaped umbrella, and Soobin shifts his arm up around his shoulder. It’s just that Kai never really thought about or noticed the ways they automatically adjust for each other ever since he first met Soobin and was acclimating to his affection, overwhelming at the time.

“I figured you two would like this sort of thing,” Taehyun says dryly as Kai squeals over the umbrella. “Yeonjun-hyung and Gyu-yah would probably prefer the ponchos.”

“I brought my umbrella,” Soobin says, “I’ll just share with Kai-yah. There’s no way he brought his.”

“I didn’t,” Kai admits sheepishly before sticking his tongue out at Soobin. “Who said I’ll share with you?”

Soobin suddenly pulls him close, their foreheads butting against each other. “Hyuka-yah, you’ll share with me, right?” He pouts like a child would if their favorite toy got taken away.

Kai and Taehyun groan together at Soobin’s awful aegyo. This only seems to spur Soobin on though, and the thing is, Kai has this laugh. It’s distinctive, and he’s been told it’s infectious and funny, but most importantly, it’s _loud._ That is to say, Kai blames Soobin entirely for almost getting kicked out of the boutique. Soobin and his terrible, terrible aegyo that he only does to be obnoxious or to cheer someone up.

The five of them stand somewhat subdued in front of the souvenir section.

“You two mess up my schedule again and you’ll see what I’m capable of,” Yeonjun mutters underneath his breath as he scans through the items in front of him.

“Okay noona,” Kai says with a giggle, leaning over to rub Yeonjun’s stomach when he lets out a small sigh of irritation.

“No bracelets,” Beomgyu says when Yeonjun slips one onto his wrist. “Kai-yah will just lose it like he did the last one.”

“It’s not lost,” Kai argues, “I...just haven’t found it yet.”

“That’s as good as lost you dummy,” Taehyun says, cuffing him lightly over the head.

“What about necklaces?” Beomgyu suggests, picking one out and appraising it against Soobin’s neck. He rolls the smiley-face charm between his fingers. “Mm, doesn’t quite fit YJ though.”

“Hyuka has a slightly better track record with necklaces. Might be our best bet.” Taehyun starts looking through the collection.

“How about this?” Soobin asks, hand on Kai’s elbow when he leans past him to pluck out a silver necklace with a whale charm on it.

“That’s…” Kai, for once, remembers quickly. “52Hz Lonely-ssi?” He’d stayed up late for that particular paper back in middle school, drowning in more research than was really necessary, or at least according to Soobin. Soobin had been his voice more often than not back then because Kai’s own classmates rarely gave him the time of day, so he might have connected with the whale on an embarrassingly emotional level. He’s never told Soobin, but he’s sure that he knows.

“It could mean something like we’re never alone, no matter how far apart we are,” Soobin explains, “that if we call, there’s always someone to at least listen.”

There’s a brief but heavy silence before Beomgyu breaks it. “Didn’t peg you as a sentimental type,” he teases, knowing full well that Soobin isn’t, not really anyway.

Yeonjun clears his throat. “I think it’s a great idea.” His grin is tinged with wistfulness. “It’s cute too.”

“And meaningful,” Taehyun says, “I like it.”

Kai settles his purchases first and bounces out to try out the umbrella. It’s satisfying to hear the rain hit the umbrella, and the canopy is surprisingly larger than Kai thought. It really wouldn’t be an issue to fit at least two people under it.

Said second person shamelessly ducks under it a few minutes later, his hand wrapping around the section next to the handle Kai is holding.

“It got colder,” Soobin complains, close enough so Kai can smell how he’d somehow carried the store’s scent with him.

“Do you want my coat?” Kai asks. “That’s what you get for packing like Yeonjun-hyung,” he adds.

“It’s supposed to be warmer here,” Soobin says, “I thought I didn’t need to bring a padded coat.”

Kai scrunches his nose. It is unusually chilly, but he supposes he’s lucky his mother insisted on helping him pack. She’d told him to bring a heavier coat too, and maybe he’s a little bit of a mama’s boy, because he always listens to her. He lets Soobin hold the umbrella as he shrugs off his coat.

“Let’s switch then, hyung.”

“You’re an actual angel,” Soobin says as they swap their outer layers.

“I know, what would you do without me?”

“Die, probably,” Soobin jokes, but he sounds so earnest that Kai almost blushes anyway.

Taehyun looks so harmless when he smiles that Beomgyu almost forgets what a complete devil he can be.

“Whatcha looking at?”

“Those idiots,” Taehyun says fondly. “They’re actually sharing an umbrella...how romantic.”

“Romantic?” Beomgyu echos. “Ah, they switched coats.” He squints. “Are they both holding onto the umbrella? How dumb.”

Taehyun sighs helplessly.

The plan to visit local food trucks for their dinner is moved to another day due to the worsening weather. At first, there’d been an intense battle on whether to order takeout or to make their own food, with Soobin-Beomgyu championing takeout, Yeonjun-Taehyun fighting for homemade dinner, and Kai stuck in the middle. However, it wasn’t long before Yeonjun and Taehyun won everyone over with their enthusiasm and literal sparkles in their eyes—and besides, they would make better memories this way, too.

“I’m craving pasta,” Yeonjun says as they peruse the aisles.

“We should have spaghetti,” Kai teases, “with lots and lots of tomato sauce.” He yelps when Beomgyu slings a heavy arm around his neck, although it’s nowhere near as effective as Taehyun is.

“Want to say that again you little brat?”

“You’re lit—”

“I’ll make you eat ketchup if you finish that sentence!”

“We can buy more than one sauce,” Yeonjun interrupts. “Stop acting like children.”

 _“Stop acting like children,”_ Beomgyu and Kai mock at the same time.

“What a geezer,” Beomgyu says under his breath, though judging by the narrowing of Yeonjun’s eyes, his comment hasn’t gone unnoticed.

“Let’s get stuff for gimbap,” Soobin says, dragging Kai and Taehyun behind him. “That’s something we all know how to make, right?”

“Of course,” Kai says with entirely unbacked confidence, which bites him in the ass exactly one hour later when Taehyun laughs at him for cutting up all the ingredients into the wrong portions.

“But Soobin-hyung told me to do it this way,” Kai pouts as he feeds the nonchalant culprit a ball of rice. “It can’t be entirely blamed on me.”

“The rice is good,” Soobin says, completely ignoring the haphazardly cut ingredients. “It’s fine, we can just make them big and cut them.”

“We don’t even have to cut them,” Beomgyu says after laughing at their predicament. “I like eating them whole, too.”

“Me too,” Yeonjun chimes in from the stove. “Tastes better that way.”

“Well there we have it,” Soobin says, mouth curling into an amused smile as he watches Kai pat the rice onto the seaweed. “Kai-yah, be honest, is this your first time making gimbap?”

“I tried it in elementary school,” Kai says honestly, and everyone collectively groans.

“Yah, will we even have anything edible tonight?”

“Gyu-yah, what are you suggesting?” Taehyun asks, somehow managing to look intimidating while whisking eggs. Beomgyu quickly goes quiet as he focuses on making his dalgona coffee.

“Don’t press it too hard,” Soobin says as Kai spreads out another spoon of rice, “just…” He briefly lays his hand on top of Kai’s to show him the amount of pressure. “Just like that, and fill the openings.”

“Ah, this…” Kai looks at Soobin wordlessly when he lifts up the rolled gimbap. It seems to wilt in front of their gazes. “It’s a little bit lacking, but it shouldn’t taste bad...right?”

Soobin leans over to take a bite, and Kai squeaks when his lips brush by his gloved fingers. “I’m not a part of the menu!” Soobin almost spits out the gimbap in a burst of laughter, but manages to keep it in as he smacks Kai on the shoulder.

“Surprisingly, it tastes okay,” Soobin says when he swallows. Though Kai shares the sentiment, he sighs after his bite.

“Mom’s is so much better.”

“Agreed.”

Dinner is a modest affair of two-way pasta, gimbap, steamed eggs, and grilled meat. Beomgyu makes dalgona coffee as accompanying drinks and seems to be excessively proud of his creations if the number of photos he takes on Kai’s DSLR is any indication. Kai also brought a disposable camera for candids—he already has some shots from their ATV course, Aewol, and of Beomgyu almost getting stuck in the grocery cart.

The next photo he takes is of Yeonjun across the dinner table looking faintly fond as he rubs Beomgyu’s wrists after the latter complains about them hurting from prolonged stirring. Beomgyu doesn’t notice as he continues whining, and while Yeonjun’s eyes flash with recognition, he doesn’t stop.

“Having fun?” Soobin asks, reaching over with tongs to drop several pieces of just-done meat into Kai’s bowl.

“Of course,” Kai says, turning around and snapping Soobin’s photo as well. “It’s always fun with...everyone.” If Soobin notices the way he stumbles over the last word, he doesn’t offer anything other than an understanding glance.

The plan is to wake up early enough to catch the sunrise at the closest beach, so they retire to their rooms after dinner.

“Kai-yah, try the conditioner,” Soobin says when he comes out of the bathroom, steam billowing out from behind him as he dries his hair with a towel. “It’s really nice.”

Kai acknowledges him with a hum as he browses the web for popular photoshoot locations. It might be difficult getting all of them in the picture even with his tripod, given the uneven elevation in most of the locations.

There’s no warning when Soobin drops on the bed beside him with so much force that Kai bounces a little.

“Go shower, Kai-yah,” Soobin says, and Kai can feel his warmth against him even through his sweater. “You can’t be tired, god knows how many things Yeonjun has on the itinerary tomorrow.”

“Mn, fine.” Kai resists the urge to press himself closer to Soobin’s heat and scent of mint in his hair, instead swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and starting towards the bathroom. It’s so warm inside that he almost starts sweating immediately, and he hurriedly pulls off his clothes as he opens the toiletries cabinet. He passes over the mint conditioner, not quite feeling up to the teasing if he chooses the same type Soobin did. He picks out an innocuous citrus-scented conditioner and its matching shampoo. The trip from Seoul to Jeju is short enough that there’s no jet lag to speak of, but Kai still feels oddly exhausted. He puts on one of his bedtime playlists before stepping into the shower, and the song that comes on is easy to croon along to. Kai has had the lyrics memorized for a very long time now.

“It’s been a while since I’ve heard you sing that song,” Soobin says when he comes out. It is precisely this song that reminds Kai of Soobin the most.

“My biggest fan,” Kai says, his halfhearted swoon broken by a yawn. It was also Soobin who convinced him to perform this song for the school’s talent show for his last year of middle school, Soobin who skipped his lunch period to come watch him sing, Soobin who he looked for in the crowd to anchor himself as his fingers shook on the piano. Maybe it’s because Soobin has always been there for him, but Kai didn’t care for the person on the other side of the moon the lyrics waxed on about. Why would he, when he already had his moon in front of him?

“How’s the conditioner?”

“It’s nice, I guess,” Kai says, walking over to Soobin’s bed when the older beckons him. “My hair feels mostly the same.”

“Really? My hair feels so much softer, though.” He runs his fingers through Kai’s hair. “Well, your hair was always soft to begin with.”

“I’m just better,” Kai says before yawning again. “‘m going to bed, night hyung.”

“Dream of me~” Soobin singsongs as Kai switches their lamp off.

“Then I’ll have nightmares,” Kai retorts, but he hesitates from climbing into his designated bed. “Binnie-hyung?” he finally asks after moments of standstill.

“Hmm?”

“Can I sleep with you?”

“What would you do without me?” Soobin teases, but Kai can hear him shifting in his bed. “Come in.”

Kai carefully feels his way around in the dark until he slips safely underneath the covers. The bed is warm where Soobin has been laying.

“Your hair smells like oranges,” Soobin says as they curl towards each other. “It really does suit you.”

Kai makes a sleepy noise when he reaches out to touch Soobin’s hair. He’s right, the conditioner does make it softer. “Mint is nice, but I like the lavender better.” His hand comes to a rest on the nape of Soobin’s neck, and in a terrifying fit of bravery, he leaves it there.

Soobin doesn’t seem to notice anything unusual as he strokes Kai’s cheek. “You’ve grown so much.”

“Still growing,” Kai adds, then softer, “kind of want to stop already.”

“It would be good if you didn’t outgrow me.” His teasing sounds a little sad.

“Won’t,” Kai says drowsily, burying his face into Soobin’s neck.

“You used to be so tiny,” Soobin reminisces, patting him gently on the back.

“I’ll always need you.” The words are breathed against Soobin’s skin, barely audible. It’s the truth. It feels like the truth.

He doesn’t know if he dreams up the next words or not.

“And I, you.”

The next morning is thankfully warmer, although they all still huddle close when they get to the chillier beach. When the sun starts to peek over the horizon, Soobin says, “Let’s make a wish.”

“Let’s make a wish on the delicious-looking sun,” Kai adds, hands clasped together.

“How does it look delicious? It looks scary, is it supposed to be red like that?” Beomgyu shudders.

“It’s not that red,” Kai argues, “it looks like an egg yolk.”

“It does look like an egg,” Yeonjun agrees.

“Of course you two would think so,” Taehyun says with an amused smile, closing his eyes to make his wish.

“I wish that Soobin won’t get bullied too much in the military,” Beomgyu says, earning a smack on the shoulder.

“You’re not supposed to say it out loud! Now it won’t come true.”

“Don’t tell me you’re actually scared, Soobin?” Beomgyu teases slyly.

Soobin snorts. “As if. Go and make your real wish before it’s too late.”

“Sun’s not going anywhere fast, hyung,” Kai says as he mounts his phone onto a selfie stick to take their first photo of the morning.

“Don’t be difficult.” Kai almost drops everything when Soobin pinches him on the back of his thigh right above his knee, one of his most ticklish spots.

“I give you my coat and this is how you pay me back?” Kai squeals. “Worst deal ever.”

“It’s my birthday month,” Soobin says as he squeezes his cheek close to Kai’s, and Beomgyu complains about them throwing off the symmetry of the photo _again._

Soobin hadn’t been lying about Yeonjun packing the absolute shit out of their schedule. No wonder Yeonjun told them to eat a large breakfast and to make sure they had walking shoes—they start the day’s activities with a hike while it’s still cooler. Even though it’s Yeonjun’s idea, Taehyun ends up being the only one enjoying himself. They don’t even get any particularly scenic shots for their trouble because Kai leaves his tripod at home. He’s not lugging that up a literal _mountain._

The hike is followed by a trip through one of Jeju’s Gotjawal forests, which would have been pleasant enough if not for Beomgyu screaming and cringing every other minute due to yet another bug. It gets to the point where Yeonjun and Kai alternate carrying Beomgyu on their backs towards the last third of the trip after a sprained ankle scare when Beomgyu trips over a root in his haste to move away from a rather harmless looking beetle (in Kai’s opinion). They manage to take some decent group photos at the entrance of the forest before returning back to the house for Kai’s tripod and a change of outfits. The spot Kai picks for their photoshoot is on an elevated road overlooking the ocean, and the street is filled with rainbow-hued blocks. The weather is cooperating with them, so it takes one hour instead of two or three for Yeonjun’s and Beomgyu’s vanity to be satisfied.

Yeonjun is delighted to find that there’s a ramen stall next to their fishing location, effectively killing two birds with one stone since they’re all hungry after Soobin’s insistence on eating after the photoshoot because ‘Guys, you _know_ my face swells after eating.’ Kai spends more time making friends with the bait and taking photos than actual fishing, which seems dreadfully boring if the look on even Taehyun’s face is anything to go by. The angler who’s renting them the gear chuckles and advises them it’s not particularly a good time for fishing, which is something they more or less understood after an hour with no bites.

While they can’t swim in the ocean, the heated pool back at the house is a worthy replacement, and the four of them spend a laughable amount of time trying and failing to dunk Soobin underwater.

“Why are you suddenly so strong?” Beomgyu complains as he tugs Soobin’s leg, which makes him lunge so close to Kai’s face that their lips narrowly miss by a few centimeters. There’s not enough time to panic because Soobin’s hand wraps around the nape of his neck for support and he starts flailing again, and Kai has to dodge the windmill of limbs before he gets clocked.

“Because for some reason, he believes his life is in danger,” Taehyun says with amusement, “even though he’s almost half a foot taller than the depth of this pool.”

“Hyung—ah, really—” Kai complains as he wraps his arms around a still struggling Soobin, hugging his back against his chest. “You’re going to hurt someone.”

“I won’t if you guys stop trying to drown me!” Soobin says venomously, but he relaxes somewhat in Kai’s grip, if only because Kai isn’t actively trying to bring him underwater.

“Drown is a strong word,” Taehyun says.

“I’ll show you some strong words...”

“No bad words in front of the kids,” Yeonjun reminds, only to be promptly taken down in a double team by Beomgyu and Taehyun.

Kai’s laughter is muffled in Soobin’s shoulder. He’s not going to try and sink Soobin again, not when his other ten attempts have gone awry.

“Enjoying yourself?” Soobin asks dryly. He sounds a bit hoarse, and Kai wonders if it’s because he’s been yelling so much.

“Mmn. Feels nice,” Kai answers, and the heated pool really is a luxury he wishes he has back in Seoul. He rests his head against Soobin’s back, and they’re left to comfortably float together until Taehyun winks at him, and they try all over again to submerge Soobin.

It doesn’t work, though Soobin is incensed by Kai’s betrayal. It’s a distressing moment when he’s backed into the pool corner by him, where Kai looks at Soobin and his wet hair and parted mouth and the way his swimsuit clings to his muscles; and he feels attraction deep in his gut.

“Soobin-hyung,” he squeaks, attempting to hoist himself up to flee out of the pool, but Soobin pulls him flush against his chest and whispers _“it’s payback time,”_ into his ear before shoving him underwater. Kai doesn’t mind being in the water actually, in fact he’d rather stay longer if he could, at least that way he could pretend he didn’t shiver when Soobin’s voice went low against his ear, could pretend that he didn’t relish the feeling of being in Soobin’s arms.

He supposes he’s been under for a while, because suddenly he's grabbed out of the water, hands tight on his shoulders. His wet hair is hastily swept out of his face, and Kai opens his eyes to a frightened Soobin.

“Ning,” he says urgently, and all Kai can think about are the hands cupping his face, “are you okay? You were down there for _minutes._ ”

Kai blinks. He hadn’t noticed that much time passed. “I can hold my breath for a long time, hyung,” he says, tilting his head in confusion, “did you forget?”

“I guess I did.” Soobin’s brows furrow. “Don’t scare me like that again, you know how I feel about swimming.”

“You scared yourself,” Kai retorts, but he curls his fingers around Soobin’s, holds them tightly together in reassurance.

Taehyun coughs. “I’m kind of hungry, should we go eat?”

Dinner, like Yeonjun planned, is out at the Dongmun Night Market. Soobin wears Kai’s coat again, while Kai forgoes one entirely and just wears a thick sweater over a couple of layers, which is plenty warm enough for him. They manage to nab a table at the stall where Yeonjun and Beomgyu order spicy jokbal. Kai only leaves briefly to get his food, but by the time he gets back, the number of dishes on the table seem to have multiplied.

Yeonjun grins sheepishly. “Help yourself.”

Beomgyu fends off Soobin’s chopsticks that dangle a shrimp on the end. “Keep that trash away from me.”

Soobin laughs as he shakes his head. “I’ve never met a pickier eater than you.”

“Where’d you find that, Hyuka?” Taehyun asks curiously, cheese tteokbokki halfway in his mouth.

Kai gestures vaguely in the direction where he’d found the food truck. “It’s close to the back. You can try some.”

“Me first!” Soobin digs a spoon into the souffle pancake. Steam rises from the small dent on its side.

Taehyun scrunches his nose. “It’s breakfast food, though.”

“Nothing wrong with breakfast for dinner,” Yeonjun says as he starts in on the fried chicken. “It looks delicious Kai-yah, I want to try some later.”

Beomgyu makes a face. “It’s got tomatoes.”

“It’s actually really good,” Soobin says, “super fluffy.” He taps the sunny side up egg on top of the stack. “Totally your taste.”

Kai steals a scallop from Soobin’s plate, ignoring Soobin’s mock outrage. “That’s why I got it, dummy.” He breaks the egg and feeds Yeonjun a bite of the souffle pancake before starting in on it himself. He sighs happily when it melts in his mouth, eyes sliding shut to savor another bite.

“Are you pretending to shoot an ad or something?” Soobin murmurs as he bumps their shoulders.

Kai turns to look at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“...Nevermind,” Soobin says, dropping a shrimp into his bowl. One of his favorites. “Eat up.”

Kai catches Taehyun’s gaze. “Did you want some too?”

Taehyun shakes his head, eyes narrowing thoughtfully. “No thanks, I was just thinking about something.”

Kai nods. If Taehyun wants to talk about it, he would have already. He’s the type to not open up until he’s ready. Silence descends on the table as they start eating in earnest—none of them are the type to talk during a meal.

Yeonjun stays behind at the market to ‘buy some snacks’, which they all know is code for Soobin’s cake and if everything goes well, alcohol. With only a few hours to go until midnight, they idle around in the living room until Kai suggests they play a game, which results in Beomgyu dragging out Monopoly and everyone yelling at each other. (Later, Kai would swear he meant a game like _Mario Kart._ ) Taehyun of course is the banker, and even though Yeonjun obviously doesn’t want to join when he comes home with some very large and poorly disguised bags, they drag him in to suffer anyway.

Beomgyu upends their Monopoly board as soon as the clock strikes midnight to the sole disappointment of Taehyun who’d been winning.

“Happy birthday, Soobin!” they chorus. In lieu of presents, which they’ve decided was more convenient to give when they got back home, they bring out the not-exactly-hidden ice cream cake, but Soobin’s eyes sparkle anyway when he blows out the candles, and that’s really all that matters. More interesting than the cake is the slightly illegal soju and beer bottles Yeonjun has somehow managed to procure.

“Not too much for the babies,” Yeonjun cautions, but this suggestion is more or less thrown out the window by the time everyone finishes their first bottle. Yeonjun and Soobin are partial to _somaek,_ Beomgyu prefers the beer, Taehyun prefers soju, and Kai can’t choose which one tastes worse. Even so, he manages to finish at least a bottle’s worth just like everyone else, if only because he keeps on collecting penalties in their drinking games, proving awful at each one.

“Where’s Soobinie-hyung?” Kai asks Taehyun when he notices he hasn’t seen the birthday boy for a while now.

“He escaped to the balcony after Yeonjun-hyung’s last round of shots,” Taehyun says on the floor, head in Beomgyu’s lap. Kai giggles as he raises the disposable Kodak up to his eye and snaps a candid. “Don’t you dare print that,” Taehyun threatens, but the faint slur in his voice makes him sound harmless and adorable. Kai tells him as such and receives an ineffective glare in return.

The door to the balcony is farther away than he thinks, almost at the opposite side of the house, and he sighs when he finally feels the relief of cool air against his face.

“Hyung,” Kai calls out as he shuts the door behind him, and there is nothing brighter in the sky than Soobin when he turns around with a half-smile, illuminated by the dimmer moon and stars.

“Kai-yah. Of course it’s you.”

“Like I said, I’ll be your gum for today only,” Kai says, making his way over to the railing next to Soobin on the side not occupied by his drink and a number of chip bags. He scrunches his nose. “So that’s where they went. I can’t believe you took them all out with you, Binnie-hyung.”

“Couldn’t decide which one I wanted,” Soobin offers as a defense, only to be immediately interrupted.

“Wow, the stars are so clear!” Kai gazes upward, awestruck.

“I was thinking that too.” Soobin chuckles. “I thought about coming to get you, but I was too lazy.”

“Not even you can miss Polaris in this sky,” Kai teases, but the constellation he traces with his fingers is Orion, the star Sirius shining so brightly it could be mistaken for Venus. He wishes he could take a photo of the night sky like this, but the Kodak he has with him hardly affords him the necessary setup. He’s so taken with the stars that he doesn’t register Soobin holding his hand until he squeezes it.

“Your hands are so small.”

“What?” Kai tears his eyes away from the sky, and when he looks at Soobin’s face, he wonders why he was so entranced with something so secondary to him in the first place. “They’re almost the same size as yours,” he says after a pause. Soobin’s cheeks are slightly red, whether from the alcohol or chill, he wasn’t sure. Kai giggles as Soobin pushes their fingers together, hand folding over his, and he supposes his hands do look small when Soobin is holding them.

Soobin looks lonely. Kai doesn’t know why, he’s right here next to him. There is an ache in his eyes and his mouth that matches the sudden ache in Kai’s heart from seeing Soobin so...uncertain.

“Why do you find the stars pretty?” Soobin asks, breaking the silence. But he looks at Kai when he asks.

Kai tilts his head curiously. “Do I need a reason? I can see stars in your eyes too, but that’s not why I find them pretty. Some things are pretty because they just are.”

“Like your hands,” Soobin says, and Kai realizes with subdued shock that they’re so close he can feel Soobin’s breath on his face. He smells like alcohol, though Kai supposes the same goes for himself.

He nervously licks his lips. “Like my hands?” The words come out more breathless than intended, and with their chests so close together Kai is certain Soobin can hear the hammering of his heart.

Soobin looks at him. It’s an unfamiliar look that he’s only directed to other people. He vaguely remembers Soobin giving Yewon the same look.

“And like you.”

Kai’s breath hitches when he feels Soobin’s fingers threading through his hair, guiding him closer, rationality out of reach through the giddy haze of alcohol.

“Why didn’t I ever notice,” Soobin continues, hand Kai wonders if he’s doing it on purpose, speaking so close that their lips threaten to brush together every other syllable, “that you were this pretty?”

Kai doesn’t dare to blink, to breathe, waiting for Soobin to pull away, but he doesn’t. Instead, Soobin’s hand slides down to cup the nape of his neck, his thumb caressing the skin beneath his ear, light against his pulse. Kai tilts his face up, eyes instinctively fluttering shut when Soobin strokes his cheek. The pause that comes after makes Kai think he’d misjudged everything, but then.

Then Soobin kisses him.

Contrary to popular belief, when it comes down to the things that matter, Kai is a thinker. He doesn’t like making impulse decisions, and he’s always wary of consequences. But the alcohol makes everything floaty, pleasant. It empties out his thoughts, and Soobin kissing him keeps his mind vacant. Soobin’s lips are soft but he kisses firmly, gently taking the lead. Kai grabs onto Soobin’s shirtfront in an effort to squeeze even closer, trying but not entirely succeeding in his attempts to keep up.

When Soobin starts to pull away, Kai makes a split-second decision to chase after his lips, even though he doesn’t know the first thing about kissing other than to press his mouth against Soobin’s again and hope for the best. It seems to work, even though Kai feels Soobin shake a little bit with laughter as he cages Kai against the railing. He kisses Kai unhurriedly, locking their lips together again and again until Kai is dazed and a little weak in the knees. He feels like he’s falling, and Kai might be convinced he actually is, if not for the dull feeling of metal against his lower back. Soobin’s thumb brushing across his knuckles barely grounds him as he kisses Kai breathless.

“I’ll miss you,” Soobin murmurs against his lips, “I’ll miss you so much, Kai.”

And Kai understands then why Soobin is out alone in the balcony, why his eyes are glittering with something more than starlight.

Beomgyu’s eyes widen as he observes the two figures through the glass doors. He quickly steps back with a giggle.

Yeonjun is in the middle of a wide yawn when Beomgyu returns to the living room.

“Are they coming back soon?” Yeonjun mumbles when he’s done, beckoning for Beomgyu to come over. “Didn’t Kai-yah want us all to sleep together?”

“Kai-yah is _busy,_ ” Beomgyu says with another giggle as he leans comfortably against Yeonjun, who’s currently serving as a lap pillow for Taehyun.

“Busy?” Yeonjun echoes.

Taehyun blinks. “He’s probably with Soobin-hyung.”

Beomgyu nods. “He is.” He closes his eyes as he tucks his face against Yeonjun’s neck. He smells like a mix of soju and beer and snacks mostly, but also like the Jeju’s ocean air. No matter where Yeonjun goes, he always seems to carry a trace of it with himself.

Yeonjun starts to card his fingers through his hair. Beomgyu doesn’t mean to drift off, but Yeonjun’s gentle strokes lull him to unconsciousness, and he barely registers when Yeonjun leans them both back, his head comfortably against the older’s chest.

“Night,” Beomgyu murmurs, and he feels the ghost of a sensation on his forehead.

“Goodnight, Gyu-yah...and Hyun-ah.”

“Why does it sound like you barely remembered me?” Taehyun asks grouchily. Beomgyu falls asleep before he hears the answer.

Kai wakes up with the driest mouth he’s ever had the misfortune of having. Without even opening his eyes, he knows the person sleeping against him is Soobin, the tangle of limbs too familiar to mistake. He’s about to turn over to bury his face deeper against Soobin’s neck when he suddenly remembers the night before.

His cheeks burn as he delicately picks himself out of Soobin’s arms.

Soobin called him _pretty._

Soobin _kissed_ him.

That was his first.

He’s so busy swooning over his memories that he doesn’t notice Yeonjun is already in the kitchen until the elder sets his glass down on the counter with a clink, startling Kai out of his thoughts.

“How are you feeling?”

“Thirsty,” Kai says as he gets himself a mug.

“What, seriously?” Yeonjun whines. “No headache or nausea?”

Kai shakes his head as he gulps down tap water. “No, I feel fine.”

“You’re so fucking lucky,” Yeonjun complains as he holds his head. “I should have known.” He motions for Kai to sit down next to him. “What were you doing with Soobinie last night?”

“Talking,” Kai finally manages to get out after almost choking on his water, eyes flicking away from Yeonjun. “We were talking.”

“Kai-yah, look at me.” Yeonjun’s tone is no-nonsense. It makes Kai draw his knees up to his chest and wrap his arms around himself. This is the talk that Yeonjun must have been gearing up towards. With a deep breath, he raises his eyes to meet Yeonjun’s.

Yeonjun looks tired, almost fuzzy. His bleached hair is still unbrushed. Kai wonders when he’s going to dye it back, but he doesn’t have much time to muse because Yeonjun has already figured him out in the space of two blinks.

“God knows nobody knows you better than Soobin,” Yeonjun says, face softening, “but I only need to look at your eyes to understand. What else did you do?”

“We kissed,” Kai blurts out, feeling relieved that he’s able to tell someone. It has always been the easiest to open up to him, even if Yeonjun kept his own secrets close.

“Who started it?”

“Soobin-hyung, I think.”

Yeonjun sucks in a breath. “Did you two do anything else?”

Kai shakes his head furiously. His cheeks feel like they’re on fire. “We fell asleep as soon as we got inside.”

“How much did you have to drink?” Yeonjun asks carefully, continuing his barrage of questions.

“Not too much I think,” Kai says. “A lot less than you two.”

Yeonjun nods. “Soobin had a lot to drink last night.” He runs a hand through his hair and suddenly looks twice as tired. “Kai-yah…” He winces as he rubs his neck. “Sometimes when people get drunk, they make decisions they normally wouldn’t.”

Kai’s mouth dries, even though he’s almost finished his mug of water. “Oh.”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t have feelings for you,” Yeonjun says in a rush. He’s wringing his hands. “Kai-yah...don’t let yourself get hurt.”

“Should I pretend it didn’t happen?” Kai asks in a small voice.

“God, why are you like this…” Yeonjun groans. “That’s not healthy, and Soobin probably will make you talk, anyway. If he remembers.” He holds out his arms. “Come here, _aegi_.” Kai unfolds himself and stumbles into Yeonjun’s arms.

“It’s complicated,” Yeonjun starts, rubbing Kai’s back. “I don’t know what to do with you two. You’ll have to figure it out yourself, but I’ll always be here for you, okay?”

“Okay, hyung,” Kai says. “Your breath stinks, by the way.”

“Brat,” Yeonjun says good-naturedly. “So does yours.” He lets go of Kai. “Are you going to be okay when we leave?”

Kai shrugs. “I’ll be fine, hyung—”

“Are you going to be okay when _Soobin_ leaves,” Yeonjun interrupts, mouth thinning as he holds Kai’s hands. Yeonjun’s hands are smaller than his. “Have you thought about it?”

“I try not to,” Kai admits, squeezing Yeonjun’s hands. They don’t feel as secure as Soobin’s.

“Because when he leaves, he’s going to take a piece of you. You two are that close. It’s like separating soulmates.” Yeonjun reaches up, brushing his cheek. “You need to send him off without regrets.”

“Okay.” Kai has never been good with words.

Yeonjun’s words echo in his head long after they part.

Kai almost drops his camera when Soobin sits down next to him on the couch.

“That’s why you should actually use the strap,” Soobin says amusedly, “otherwise it’s just there for decoration.”

“Or I could just make you pay for damages,” Kai tries to say lightly, but he can hear the waver in his voice. When he’s certain that he fixes it, he asks, “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Soobin groans as he flops against Kai. “Yeonjun told me you didn’t have a hangover at all, you lucky asshole.” Kai freezes at the mention of Yeonjun, remembering their previous conversation, but Soobin rambles on. “I can’t believe we slept on the floor. There’s a perfectly good couch right here.”

“The floor was comfortable,” Kai argues, but then he frowns when he remembers the crick in his neck when he woke up, though that may have been due to him using Soobin as a pillow. “Mostly.”

Soobin snorts. “Yeah, right.” He looks curiously at the camera roll Kai is sorting through. “Wait, go back.” He places his hand over Kai’s to scroll back. Kai keeps his face blank. _Does he not remember?_ “This one.” It’s the photo Beomgyu took of them holding hands near a lighthouse. Kai is facing the camera with a wide grin, while Soobin is facing him instead, eyes and mouth lit up with a different kind of brightness. The lighting was beautiful yesterday, he wouldn’t have to do much editing.

“Beomie is getting better,” Kai says.

“He is,” Soobin agrees, “your birthday photos came out really nice.” Kai swallows. Ah, his birthday and the realization that led him to this mess in the first place. “You look pretty here.” Kai makes a noncommittal noise as he starts flipping through the roll again, only to realize belatedly that Soobin called him _pretty_ again. He wouldn’t have noticed if Soobin hadn’t sucked in a breath after.

It’s not that Soobin hasn’t called him pretty before. There’d been many other compliments too, but it’d been different out on the balcony. The intent was different. The atmosphere was different. Soobin looked different when he cupped Kai’s face with his hand. It’d all been different, and then Soobin kissed him.

Last night wasn’t their normal.

A silence hangs between them. Kai can’t remember the last time silence between them had been this uncomfortable.

“You remember,” Soobin says quietly.

Kai nods.

“We should talk about it.”

Kai hates how Yeonjun’s right, which means he’s probably right about everything else too, and suddenly Kai feels too fragile for a conversation.

“Later,” Kai says, biting his lip nervously.

“When we’re back in Seoul,” Soobin says, his expression unreadable when he presses his thumb against Kai’s lower lip.

Kai can be melodramatic sometimes, he can admit that. On the plane back to Seoul, he picks the window seat which causes Soobin to raise an eyebrow. What can be worse than the impending rejection? His fear of heights pales in comparison to the potentially irreparable chasm in their relationship all because Kai couldn’t _control_ himself. Even though he shuts his eyes with a grimace when the plane takes off, Soobin’s hand wrapped comfortingly around his fist, he’s almost impatient to open the shade covering the window when they level off. With trembling fingers, he eases the window curtain up.

It’s more grey than blue, but it’s beautiful nonetheless. The clouds look like wayward cotton ball tufts, and he can see the plane’s wing jutting from the side. Through the holes in the clouds, he can see the ocean and mountains. The buildings, or at least the ones he can see, were toyishly small. The plane jerks a little, and then all he can think about is falling.

The shade falls back over the window.

“Just a bit of turbulence,” Soobin says soothingly, leaning back in his chair.

“Already?” He means for his voice to come out as a grumble, but there’s too much of a gasping quality to it. He takes a deep breath to settle his nerves before turning around in his seat. “Thank you, Soobin-oppa,” he deadpans.

Soobin breaks apart his fist to lace their fingers together. “Brat,” he says, but he smiles.

The sky is pretty, but nothing special. It was worth seeing once, and that was all.

Kai is 19 when he has his first heartbreak.

On Thursday night with one last day before school let out for winter break, Soobin shows up at his door in a thick padded coat. 

“Rooftop?” Kai guesses, and Soobin nods behind his scarf. It’s only December, but it’s truly starting to get cold now. Even so, Kai is warm enough with just a blanket wrapped around him.

Soobin clears his throat after they settle on the ledge. “The first thing I should have done is apologize. I’m sorry for taking so long, and I’m sorry for kissing you when we were both under the influence. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that.”

A gnawing tension had gathered into a ball at the pit of Kai’s stomach every day that passed without a resolution. That slowly starts to dissipate now that Kai can hear a sense of finality in the way Soobin talks. He’s not going to be left hanging, even if the answer is the one he both dreads and expects.

“I’m sorry for kissing you too, then,” Kai says quietly. “Since I was also drunk.”

Soobin shakes his head. “It would have never happened if I didn’t start it.”

Kai looks up at the stars. They were so much brighter in Jeju. “Maybe. Did you mean it?”

After a brief silence, Soobin says, “I meant everything.” His voice cracks and he clears his throat again. Normally Kai would make fun of him, but to do it now would just be in poor taste.

“I think I know what you’re going to say.” Kai’s voice wobbles a little bit. Soobin wouldn’t be here apologizing to him if he was giving good news. He turns his cheek to give Soobin a small smile before looking back up at the sky. Sometimes he can’t even look Soobin in the eyes on normal days. He sure as hell wouldn’t be able to for his confession. “So let me talk first.” He doesn’t wait for Soobin to acknowledge him.

“I loved you for a long time. At first, I loved you in the same way you love me now. Soobin-hyung, I’m glad that it was our fate to meet. I spent my most difficult years with you.” Kai takes a shuddering breath. He was never good with words. “It was sometime after you broke up with Yewon-ssi that I think I started realizing I liked you in a different way. I knew for sure during my birthday. Since then I’ve liked you. I thought I could control my feelings. I’m sorry to burden you with them now.” If anything had to make him cry, he thought it would be this, forcing himself to push through his confession even though he knew all that waited was rejection. He’s surprisingly dry-eyed. “It’s okay if you don’t like me back, hyung. You were always something—bigger, to me.” He points to the sky. “A few years ago, you told me that when people had difficulty in describing what something is, you usually use an object or color to describe it.” He later learned that this was something Taehyun had told Soobin, but it’d already been ingrained in his memory by then. “You’re like the moon, Soobin-hyung. You’re always there for me, even when I can’t see you.” Especially during his last year of middle school while Soobin was attending high school, he thought his classmates were going to pick on him after his only friend graduated, it’d been Soobin who prevented that by asking the class president to look out for him.

“The moon is my favorite. Even though I liked learning about the other stars, I still think the moon is the most beautiful.

“You’re my everything, Soobin-hyung. I like you so much.”

“Ning, I...you’re…” Soobin halts before taking a deep breath and starting again. “Yeonjun asked me a few times if I liked you,” he says, “and every time I would say no. The last time he asked was the night we drank, and I don’t know why, but I said I wasn’t sure.” His voice softens. “And you really were pretty that night. I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing you. And when I did, I liked it and I didn’t want to stop. So I thought very hard about why for the last few days.

“I’m attracted to you,” Soobin says. “I think I might like you back a little bit. You’re everything to me, Kai-yah. But whenever I think about the future, I can’t imagine it working out well. If we were a good match, it would have happened already, right?” It seems to be a rhetorical question, because Soobin barrels on. “I’m sorry for confusing you. And I’m leaving soon, so I just don’t think it’s a good time…”

“It’s okay hyung,” Kai says, feeling numb as he processes Soobin’s rejection. “If it’s okay, I need some space. A week, maybe. Then we’ll be back to normal. You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings.” He stands up, drawing the blanket tightly around himself. It’s colder when Soobin isn’t holding him.

Soobin grabs his arm. “Wait.”

“No,” Kai says as he shrugs off Soobin’s hand, startling them both. Even at the very beginning, Kai has never been able to refuse Soobin.

“Starting now, let me fall apart without you.”

They immediately know something’s wrong when Kai says he can’t have lunch with them without giving a reason. It’s the last day before break, and Beomgyu is supposed to go home to Daegu. It’s likely the last time they’ll be able to see him until after Christmas. Frustratingly, it’s difficult even for Beomgyu to get a hold of him though they’re in the same class—he disappears as soon as the bell rings, and he isn’t answering his phone (though that was typical Kai behavior). Beomgyu finally ends up successful by causing a small ruckus at the end of class as he launches himself out of his seat the second the teacher says they’re dismissed.

“Kai Kamal Huening,” Beomgyu says, slamming his hands down against his desk, “what do you think you’re doing?”

“Beomgyu-ssi!” the teacher warns.

“Why are you avoiding us?” Beomgyu continues in a more normal volume after nodding apologetically to the teacher, _satoori_ creeping into his voice like it usually does when he’s annoyed.

“Hyung,” Kai says, chewing his lip. Beomgyu fishes a lip balm out of his pocket.

“Use this first, then explain.” Beomgyu leans in worriedly. “Your lip is bleeding.”

Kai takes the lip balm in resignation, wiping his lips clean before applying the balm. “I’ll come by your house later to say goodbye.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Beomgyu asks bluntly. “Soobin couldn’t tell us why either, so I know it’s serious.”

Kai purses his lips. Beomgyu sighs as he waves for Jay to go on without them, knowing how stubborn Kai can get.

“Are you two fighting?”

Kai shakes his head. The owner of the seat in front of Kai has long since vacated, so Beomgyu pulls up the chair and straddles it.

“Kai-yah, I’m not leaving until you tell me why.”

Kai doesn’t scowl, he hardly ever even frowns, but he looks almost irritated when he stands up. “I’m leaving then.”

“Kai-yah…” Beomgyu gently grasps his arm. “You’re worrying me.”

“I’m really fine,” Kai mutters, “I just need some time…” Beomgyu can _feel_ Kai tensing. When he looks up, he sees Soobin standing awkwardly at the doorway. “Beomgyu-hyung, can you...can you tell him to leave?” Kai’s voice is unusually tight. Beomgyu has never seen him this upset before.

“Okay, but talk to me afterwards,” Beomgyu says, immediately making his way to the door. “What did you do?” he hisses at Soobin as soon as he reaches him, pulling him into the hallway and out of Kai’s eyesight. Soobin is uncharacteristically meek as he lets Beomgyu drag him away.

“He really doesn’t want to see me at all,” Soobin says miserably.

“Does this have anything to do with you two kissing?” Beomgyu asks, furrowing his brows. Up until today, the two had seemed fine around each other. He thought they were still sorting things out.

Soobin makes a strangled gasping sound. “How did you know?”

“I didn’t,” Beomgyu says, frowning, “I wasn’t able to get a clear look at you two on the balcony, but I wasn’t going to stay and stare. What did you do? Confess?”

Soobin gives him a pained look. “Just...talk to him for me, okay? He said he needed space. A week at least.”

Beomgyu’s jaw drops. “He said _he_ needed space? You’ve totally gone and done it, Choi Soobin,” he mutters as he punches in his mother’s phone number. “If the reason why I can’t go home to Daegu early is because of something really fucking dumb, I’m going to string you up by your balls.” Soobin winces at the threat while Beomgyu glares at him. “Well? You better leave, so I can talk to Kai-yah.” He scoffs at Soobin’s retreating back. He looks utterly dejected.

_“Gyu-yah?”_

“ _Eomma,_ I’m really sorry, I don’t think I can come back today…”

**big yeonjun >3<**

_17:30_

Let me know if you need me

I’m next door, but Soobinie’s wrecked

**Read** 17:31

“You should have gone home,” Kai says, stretching the gummy worm guiltily. He yelps when Beomgyu smacks his hand.

“Don’t play with your food,” he scolds, slinging an arm around Kai’s shoulder. “You’re not actually going to make me wait until Hyunie’s here too to tell me, are you?”

“He said he’ll be here soon,” Kai says, chewing on a gummy.

Beomgyu sighs and suddenly hugs him tightly. “You should let it out, Kai-yah,” he says gently. “It’s not good to hold everything inside.” Kai inhales Beomgyu’s calming scent of sweet lavender and thinks of Soobin’s shampoo and body oil set and his nose suddenly stings. He sniffles to try to get rid of it. “Or you should at least try, _oh my god._ Kai-yah.” Beomgyu’s hands are swiftly on his shoulders as he stares at him. “I d-didn’t actually mean it, why are you actually crying, _Taehyun is going to fucking kill me._ ”

“I’m not crying,” Kai says, but he feels something slide down his cheek. He raises his hand to his face, surprised that it comes away wet. He frowns. “That hasn’t happened in a while.”

“Oh my god.” Beomgyu still sounds faint. “I’ve awakened your repressed emotions, but Taehyun’s going to misunderstand when he walks in and he’ll think I made you cry and then he’ll kill me.”

That’s exactly how Taehyun walks in, to Beomgyu frantically trying to wipe Kai’s face. Even Taehyun looks taken aback—in their two years of knowing Kai, they’ve never even seen him upset.

“What happened?”

“Hyungie said to ‘let it out’,” Kai echoes, and Beomgyu seems to shrink back at Taehyun’s glare. He manages a small smile. “It’s okay, I don’t know why I’m crying either. I’m not trying to.”

“Somehow, that’s even worse,” Taehyun says, sitting down with him. “What’s wrong, Hyuka?”

Kai takes a deep breath and starts from the top.

**terrible😍**

_00:01_

I miss you

Is today too soon

**Read** 00:01

**KKH**

_00:01_

i missed u too

u can come over whenever u want :)

**Read** 00:01

Soobin’s arms still feel like coming home.

“Is it just me,” Soobin whispers, even though they’re in Kai’s room, “or do your sisters not like me very much anymore?”

Kai rolls his eyes. “They still adore you, they’re just pretending they don’t for my sake.” He squints at Soobin’s clothing. “You came over this late without pajamas?”

“Well, I didn’t know if…”

Kai opens his drawer and tosses him the first set of pajamas he sees, which happens to be a mint green rabbit onesie, complete with a hood and all. “Oh, it would have been cute if we matched.” Kai’s birthday present to Soobin had been a fluffy grey bunny pajama.

“I’ll keep that in mind for next time,” Soobin says drily before quickly backpedaling. “I mean—”

“Soobin-hyung,” Kai interrupts. “I’m only going to say this once because it’s embarrassing.” He reaches for Tobin, the oversized white rabbit plush Soobin gifted him for his birthday, snuggling into its soft fur before settling at the edge of his bed. “My feelings aren’t going to disappear all at once.” Kai sincerely doubts they ever will, but he doesn’t tell Soobin that. “I needed a week to sort out my thoughts. I’ve spent such a long time depending on you, it felt like I had to relearn what life is like without you.” Kai scrunches his nose. “It kinda sucks. Point is, we’re okay now. I’m okay now.”

“You don’t depend on me anymore,” Soobin says weakly. “You stopped a long time ago.”

Kai shrugs. “Sure.” He shuffles over to where Soobin is, holding out his pinky. “Promise to never talk about this again?”

Soobin smiles wryly as he hooks their pinkies together.

“I promise.”

February’s graduation comes and goes quickly. Kai spends most of the event behind his camera, but when the ceremony finishes, Soobin yanks the strap off from around his neck and thrusts the camera towards Beomgyu.

“Take some photos of just us before our families get here,” Soobin says urgently, “I won’t get a moment alone after this.”

Beomgyu rolls his eyes. “Okay, Mr. Popular.”

Kai laughs and hands Soobin his bouquet, a beautiful arrangement of sunflowers. Soobin snorts when he sees them.

“What’s wrong with them?” Kai asks indignantly. “Aren’t they your favorite?”

“I don’t know how everyone knows,” Soobin says with a groan. “They’re all I’ve gotten.”

“How about I give you something different tonight?” Kai asks, winking as he wraps his arms around Soobin’s waist.

Soobin raises a brow. “And what would that be?”

Kai gestures subtly to Beomgyu before planting a kiss on Soobin’s cheek. The shutter clicks rapidly.

“Kai!”

Kai laughs gleefully. “Hyung, you’re so red! I see your mom coming. Ooh, mine too. _Eomeoni!!!_ ” He cackles when both Soobin’s mother and his own wave back. Soobin is reluctant to let him go, but Soobin’s family deserve their time together, and no matter how much Soobin complains, Kai knows he loves the attention. Soobin’s family absolutely dotes on him, and by extension, Kai too over the years when they learned to expect him for dinner at least once a week. The reverse is also true, which is why the Huenings attended this year’s graduation.

Kai giggles with Beomgyu as Soobin gets swarmed. _“Rooftop?”_ Soobin mouths. Kai flashes him a thumbs up before linking arms with his younger sister.

“You wanted to take a photo with Yeonjun-hyung, right?” he teases, and Bahiyyih immediately turns red.

“Only because he’s my idol,” she squeaks.

“You don’t stand a chance if you like him,” Beomgyu says mock-gravely. “Yeonjunie-hyung likes me a bit more than he does anyone else.”

“Eyy, only I get to tease my sister,” Kai protests. He looks over the crowd. “Hard to tell which one is Yeonjun-hyung when his hair isn’t a lightbulb anymore.”

“Kai-yah!” Kai and Bahiyyih both turn around when they hear Lea. “You’re needed for photos.”

“Didn’t dad bring his camera? I was going to help Yeonjun-hyung.”

“You need to be _in_ them,” Lea clarifies, and Kai groans.

“Bahi, follow Gyu-yah, he’ll take you to hyung.” He makes a vaguely threatening gesture to Beomgyu. “Make sure my sister gets back safe.”

“You’re so embarrassing,” Bahiyyih mumbles.

“Heard that,” Kai says, slightly miffed as he slinks back towards Soobin.

“Back already? It’s like you never left,” Soobin mocks.

“Haha,” Kai deadpans. He makes a face when Soobin starts fixing his bangs. “Hey, leave those there. If I reveal my forehead, I’ll steal your thunder.”

Soobin laughs helplessly, and so does everyone else who hears him. He holds Kai by the waist. “You really are…”

“Really are what?”

_“Say kimchi!”_

(He never gets an answer.)

Soobin’s teeth are chattering.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Kai asks dubiously. “If it’s too cold, we don’t have to do this on the roof.”

“It’s s-symbolic if we do,” Soobin says stubbornly as he stamps his feet. “I want to make cool memories.”

“It wouldn’t be very cool if you froze up here,” Kai says, unimpressed.

“So funny,” Soobin grits out before shoving an oddly familiar bag into Kai’s hands. “Hurry, give me mine.”

Kai takes out the still incomplete photo album he’d been working on for the past couple of months. There’s an individualized copy for everyone, although Yeonjun and Soobin will receive theirs first due to their imminent departure. “That’s for your collection at home. Something that thick won’t be accepted into base. I’ll give you a thinner one a few days before you leave, the graduation photos should all be ready by then.” Soobin is already flipping excitedly through the book.

“These photos are so old,” Soobin marvels. “Sometimes I forget that you used to be so tiny.”

Kai makes a noncommittal noise as he peers inside the bag Soobin gave him. It takes him a minute to place the logo, but it’s from one of the shops in Aewol they’ve visited. The same one where they bought the whale necklaces, if he remembers correctly. He tilts his head curiously when he pulls out a rectangular box. This wouldn’t be…

“Perfume?” Kai asks. Any scent that used to cling onto the box seems to have long since dissipated, but Kai remembers the familiar packaging.

“It’s the honey tangerine one that you tested,” Soobin says as Kai reaches inside the bag for the other box. “I thought it suited you well.”

Kai nods. “I liked it.”

“I meant to give you these while we were still at Jeju, but I forgot,” Soobin says, staring at the box in Kai’s hands. “Then it was too late, and I didn’t want you to misunderstand.”

“Aren’t you just giving me excuses on why you’re recycling your gifts?” Kai says in amusement.

“Shut up and open the box.”

Kai gingerly opens the box—it seems to be some sort of jewelry, and the last thing he wants is to accidentally drop it. Inside is a silver cuff earring, simply detailed with the outline of ocean waves. It’s pretty.

“It’s a clip-on,” Soobin explains as he removes his glove to pick it up. He stuffs the glove inside his coat pocket along with the album as he fiddles with the mechanism on the earring. “Have one of your sisters show you how to use it.” Soobin sweeps Kai’s hair behind his ear before he slides the earring over it. Kai feels the slightest pinch when Soobin steps away.

“That wasn’t what I expected at all,” Kai says honestly as he peers into his phone camera to see how it looks. The color is flattering against his skin, and he’s pleased with how it looks.

“It’s a pair,” Soobin says, lifting just enough of his beanie for Kai to see the glint of metal around his ear. “I have the other piece.”

“Oh,” Kai says. “Depending on when you gave that to me, I could have definitely misunderstood.” He looks at Soobin curiously.

“Then it’s good that I didn’t give it to you until now,” Soobin says delicately. He fishes out his phone from his pocket and aims it at the sky. “I wanted a photo of tonight’s sky to put in the album,” he explains. “I thought it was cool that there was a new moon during our graduation. New beginnings, and all that.”

Kai nods. “You could have asked me to take a nicer one for you. It wouldn’t take long.”

Soobin chuckles. “Wouldn’t it mean more if I took it?”

“I guess.” Soobin shivers again, and Kai smirks as he opens his coat and wraps as much as he can of it around Soobin too. “What a baby.”

“Kai-yah, you know that doesn’t actually…” Soobin trails off when Kai bumps their cold noses together. They’re close enough to kiss. There’s a part of Kai that still desperately wants to.

“Doesn’t actually what?”

“I stand corrected,” Soobin mumbles. “I feel a little bit warmer.”

“What about your lips, hyung?”

“What about them?”

“Aren’t they cold too?”

“Is that a joke?” Soobin sounds uncertain, even though he stares at Kai’s mouth.

“Not really.” Kai looks at Soobin and thinks it’s a shame there’s no moonlight to reflect off his eyes. “It won’t change anything.” _A kiss, once given, can’t be taken back._

“What do you mean?” Soobin asks quietly.

“It means that I’m going to kiss you in about two seconds,” Kai says back, “unless you don’t want to.”

Soobin doesn’t move, and Kai watches his eyes lid in anticipation when he tilts his head for the right angle. The first brush of lips is stiff with cold and tension, the second contact is less of a brush and more of a collision, but the third time their lips meet is nothing short of perfect.

Kai is right. It changes nothing. He is still hopelessly in love.

When they finally pull away, Kai swipes his tongue over his lips. If they look even just a little like Soobin’s, then there’s no doubt that they’re bruised red. Compared to the first time, they’d been less cautious.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Kai says lightly, carefully stepping back. “Thank you, Soobin-hyung.” He touches his earring with a small smile.

Soobin manages a nod. “It’s nothing.”

But it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself.

It rains the day Soobin and Yeonjun leave for basic, which is fitting. They're the only ones not wearing the whale necklaces. Can't. Kai says goodbye to Yeonjun first, thinking that it would be easier. He finds that it is and it isn’t at the same time as he wipes Yeonjun’s tears away. The elder offers him a watery smile and a few parting words, _you’ll do just fine Kai-yah, should I expect to see you even taller when I come back?_ All of the waterworks and touching farewells were supposed to have been done yesterday, when they sat together at the bank of the Han River well past curfew and reminisced their way into tears. 

It’s easier because Yeonjun lets him go quickly. It somehow hurts less that way.

It’s harder because when he faces Soobin, he realizes that no matter how many times he’d practiced this moment in front of the mirror, he will never be prepared, not for the wet shine in Soobin’s eyes, not for the tremble in his lips, not for the beret covering his shaved head. He musters the brightest smile he can manage and steps into Soobin’s arms, the only person to ever make him feel small, the one who put him together and taught him love in so many forms, and also the one who broke his heart. He tells himself it is the rain directly hitting him in the face that’s making his cheeks wet, and maybe it’s partially true, because the cold makes the drops sting. 

But mostly it is because the finality of Soobin leaving only starts to sink in now. Kai supposes it’s unhealthy to be so attached to someone like he is to Soobin, but it’s always been like that ever since they met each other. Kai slides the fold-out album into Soobin’s jacket pocket.

“Don’t open it until you’re at least ten minutes away,” Kai says jokingly, and it’s a small miracle that his voice doesn’t catch, like his cheeks aren’t wet with a mix of tears and rain. 

“What secret are you hiding?” Soobin isn’t as successful. Kai doesn’t answer and pats him on the back soothingly, and even though he faintly registers how long they’ve been embracing by the thinning of the crowd at the bus terminal, he doesn’t want to step back, can't step back. 

But he surprises himself by letting go first. 

“You should go, Soobin-hyung.” 

Soobin looks stricken. 

“You said you wouldn’t cry,” he says raggedly as he reaches out to brush away the dampness on Kai’s face.

Kai pulls down Soobin’s beret, lightly obscuring his vision. “It’s the rain,” he says quietly, and Soobin gets the reference, of course he does, they marathoned that anime together in their first year of meeting. “Also, I said no such thing.” 

“Did you remember what else I said?” Soobin asks, and he looks shattered as he searches Kai’s face. Kai smiles sadly against Soobin’s palm before pulling his hand away. 

“Then don’t stop thinking about me. I’ll be the selfish one this time, Soobin-hyung.” 

**Author's Note:**

> i love LOVE working with cera so much!! we're good friends so it makes the process so much better, being able to bounce ideas and talk and cry about how difficult the writing was sometimes was so so helpful. i also have to thank kat who hung in there and helped look over the fic as well even though i would send requests for help in the gc at random, bizarre times ;__; 
> 
> (i'll be working hard on chapter two! thank you all so so much for leaving feedback, i love reading them so much and they're so encouraging!! please stay safe and healthy and take care of yourselves!)


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